


How To Be A Doper Person (The Answer: Puppies)

by skintightsocks



Category: Glee
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-22
Updated: 2011-04-22
Packaged: 2017-10-21 16:20:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/227179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skintightsocks/pseuds/skintightsocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's tiny and fluffy and has giant eyes and Puck falls pretty much instantly in love. He's a badass, okay, but he's been learning that he can be a badass and still have feelings, and, well, Puck's always been a sucker when it comes to animals. Which is why he tucks the dog under his arm and scales the fence behind the pound while he's having a "getting to know you" session with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How To Be A Doper Person (The Answer: Puppies)

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place during/after episode 2x17. You don't promise Puck with puppies and not deliver, okay? You just _don't_. What was intended to be a short little crack ficlet about Puck cuddling puppies turned into 4k of cracky Puck episode-related gen. He just wants to be a doper person, which starts with him not always telling people how badass he is, okay? (That, and the title, are bastardized Kanye West quotes.) For the record, we imagined the puppy to look like [this one](http://i54.tinypic.com/iwj3t1.jpg), and apparently people **actually** do [give Pomeranians mohawks](http://i55.tinypic.com/26078ur.jpg).

  
The thing is, Puck isn't allowed to go to pounds anymore. Or pet stores with live animals. Or the zoo, technically, but he thinks his mom went kind of overboard with that one. You try to climb into a monkey habitat and take a monkey home _one time_ and it sticks with you for life. He shouldn't have volunteered to go get a puppy for Mercedes, but it was either that or help Rachel sort fifteen bags of cheddar chex mix until only the cheese crackers were left, because Mercedes likes them better than regular cheese nips. Puck can't afford to get cheese stains on another pair of jeans.

Unfortunately, Puck's run into a bit of a problem. Apparently you don't just go to the pound and pick up a puppy, as Puck found out when he sent some random kid in to grab him a fluffy one. It didn't even work when Puck sent him back in with his fake ID. Puck's always known how to improvise, though, so he walks in and keeps his eyes straight ahead, humming to himself in an effort to block out the sad whines of all the other dogs. It feels like they walk _forever_ until the guy leading Puck through the hall stops at a cage and unlocks it to show Puck what is probably the cutest dog he's ever seen.

It's tiny and fluffy and has giant eyes and Puck falls pretty much instantly in love. He's a badass, okay, but he's been learning that he can be a badass and still have feelings, and, well, Puck's always been a sucker when it comes to animals. Which is why he tucks the dog under his arm and scales the fence behind the pound while he's having a "getting to know you" session with her. Puck knows what's up. There's no way they're letting him adopt a puppy today and Puck can't leave her here. Who knows what kind of weirdo might come and want to adopt her?

-

"What," Lauren says shortly when she opens her front door, "is that?"

"Look, babe, I know you're Mercedes's manager and all and technically I was supposed to be getting this puppy for her, but she can't _really_ dry her hands on Tinkerbell, it might hurt her."

"Don't call me babe," Lauren says, still glaring. "And _Tinkerbell_? Seriously, Puckerman?"

"That's the name she came with," Puck says defensively. "I'm gonna change it." He might not, though. It kind of fits her.

"Why are you here and not at school?" Lauren asks.

"Because you texted me to tell me that you had to run home to get something and I need somewhere to leave her while we do the show?" Puck tries, giving her his best charming smile.

"That's not cute," Lauren says, right as Tinkerbell yaps and licks Puck on the side of the face. "That, however, is," Lauren says reluctantly, swinging the door open. Puck gives Tinkerbell a tiny puppy high five as soon as her back is turned.

-

"They had, like, no fluffy puppies," Puck tells Rachel, his eyes wide. "None, Rachel. I looked everywhere. Nothing but short-haired dogs, that's it."

"I can't trust you with _anything_ ," Rachel huffs, stomping off.

"Yeah, Puck," Lauren says from behind him, her breath warm on his neck. "You've been a _very_ , very bad boy."

"Bad enough to go spend some time in the janitor's closet?" Puck asks hopefully. Good things happen in the janitor's closet.

"Lauren!" Mercedes shouts.

"Sorry, horndog," Lauren says, patting him on the ass. "Duty calls."

-

"Do dogs eat Kosher?" Puck asks later that night, sprawled out on Lauren's floor with Tinkerbell snoring on his chest.

"Dogs eat dog food, Puck," Lauren says, leaning over the edge of her bed to look down at him. "Do you know anything about dogs?"

"Not a lot," Puck says with a shrug. "My mom never let us have pets, but, I mean, _look_ at her," Puck says, petting between Tinkerbell's ears.

"This is going to end so, so badly," Lauren predicts.

-

It totally doesn't. Puck holds Tinkerbell up against the side of his face and pouts while he promises to take care of her and quotes some made up on the spot statistic about dogs being very helpful in the rehabilitation of juvenile delinquents. Between that and the promise to do all the cooking for Seder so his mom doesn't have to take off work, she mostly just sighs and waves him up the stairs.

-

"Are you kidding me?" Lauren asks him the next day at the pet store. "Puck. Are you serious?"

"What?" Puck asks, holding up the little dress. "It'd be cute."

"Put down the dress and let's go pick out some food," Lauren sighs. "You heard what Brittany said."

They had stopped by Brittany's house to borrow some cat food, which she'd handed over with an uncharacteristically stern lecture on how cat food is specifically formulated with more protein and fat than dog food, so he shouldn't feed it to Tinkerbell all the time.

Tinkerbell had liked it and all, but Puck doesn't want her to get fat and... protein-y. Although maybe that would just make her super muscle-y, like how Lauren drinks protein shakes to kick ass at wrestling.

"Do dogs like protein shakes?" Puck asks Lauren.

"No," Lauren says, tossing a giant bag of puppy chow into the cart like it weighs nothing.

"That's so hot," Puck says.

"You are _so_ weird," Lauren says, but she says it the way she does when she doesn't really mean it, so Puck counts it as a win.

-

"Dude," Finn says, as soon as Puck steps inside the door. "What?"

"What _what_?" Puck asks, clutching Tinker closer to his chest.

"Why do you have a really hairy rat?" Finn asks, stretching out a finger to poke at Tinkerbell.

"Stop that," Puck says, smacking his hand away. "This is my _dog_ , and we're not back to the kind of place where you can just poke my stuff without asking first."

"Wow," Kurt says from the love seat, where he's got his legs thrown over his Warbler's lap. "Just... wow."

"Shut it, Hummel," Puck says, rolling his eyes and pushing past Finn to sink down on the couch and grab a controller. "Are we starting yet?"

"Mike's bringing Artie," Finn says distractedly, staring at Tinkerbell where she's bouncing around on the couch. "Sam can't come. That thing's not going to pee on the couch, is it?"

"It's not a thing, it's a _dog_ ," Puck says, between clenched teeth. Who the hell doesn't like dogs?

"I don't like dogs," Kurt says, staring at Tinker. "They get hair everywhere and your house always smells like them."

"But it's so cute," Kurt's Warbler says, grinning and making little clicky noises at Tinkerbell.

"She," Puck says proudly, smiling at Kurt's Warbler. He's gonna have to learn that dude's name. The doorbell rings, and Tinker goes into a frenzy, yapping and bouncing around excitedly on the sofa.

"Aww," Kurt's Warbler says as Puck gets up to help Finn and Mike get Artie up the steps. "Aww, look at her!" By the time he gets back in, Tinker is settled happily on Kurt's Warbler's lap at one end of the love seat while Kurt glares at them from the other.

"I hope you know you're going to lint roll your clothes and wash your hands before you touch me," Kurt says.

"Aww, puppy!" Mike says, hurrying over as soon as they've got Artie through the door. "It's so cute, is it yours, Blaine?"

Blaine. Right. Puck can totally remember that. Blaine is dating Kurt. Blaine has good opinions about dogs. He's got this.

"She's Puck's," Blaine says, handing her over to Mike. "Isn't she adorable?"

" _So_ adorable," Mike says, in the same weird baby voice that Puck has recently found himself using when talking to Tinkerbell. "What's her name?"

"Tinkerbell," Puck says, handing Artie a controller and grabbing one for himself. Everyone starts to laugh, even Mike, who just used the phrase "cutie wootie puppy wuppy," so Puck's pretty sure he has no fucking room to talk. "Look, _I_ didn't name her!" he snaps. "She came with it."

"You do know you can _change_ a dog's name, right?" Artie asks from beside him.

"Yes, I know," Puck says, rolling his eyes. "But she seems to like it. Look, watch. Tinkerbell!" he calls, smiling at her as she trots over.

"Hey, hey, hairball!" Kurt calls, clapping his hands. "C'mere, hairball!" Tinker trots over dutifully and sniffs at Kurt's boot.

"Traitor," Puck mutters.

"You cannot call that dog Tinkerbell," Finn says, falling onto the far side of the couch while Mike settles in between them and calls Tinker back over, using her actual name.

"And why the hell not?" Puck asks, wishing they'd start the damn game already so he can blow some Nazi zombies' heads off.

"This should be good," Kurt says.

"Why are you two even still here?" Finn asks. "I thought you were going out."

"Brittany told me about Puck's dog, and then Lauren told me he tried to buy it a dress and was bringing it over here. I figured this would be a better time than Valley of the Dolls at the revival theater," Kurt shrugs.

"We've both seen that movie a lot," Blaine adds.

"Whatever," Finn says. "I'm just saying, you can't go carting around a fluffy dog named Tinkerbell."

"What he means is people might think you're gay," Kurt explains helpfully.

"What I mean is people might kick his ass because they think he's gay, and if he gets into a fight he's going back to juvie, okay?" Finn says. "I'm trying to be a good friend."

Puck wants to say something to that, but he's not exactly in the mood to get into a fight right now. "I'd like to _see_ someone try to kick my ass," Puck mumbles as the game starts. He kills an awful lot of Nazi zombies, all with Tinkerbell curled up in his lap when Blaine and Mike aren't playing with her, but it doesn't exactly make him feel better.

-

Neither do the laughs he gets when he takes Tinker on a walk the next day all decked out in the sparkly pink collar and leash Rachel had brought over when she learned about Tinkerbell. Puck doesn't realize until he gets back inside that the leash is bedazzled down one side with rhinestones that spell out "princess" in capital letters.

-

When some guy smiles at him in the dog park and lifts up his Dachshund so Puck can see the t-shirt it's wearing, proudly proclaiming, "I ♥ My Two Daddies!" Puck decides it's time for action.

-

"What," Lauren asks, her mouth falling open as soon as she opens the door, "did you do?"

"I gave Tink-- Chuckzilla, a makeover," Puck says, picking up one of the dog's tiny paws and fistbumping it.

"Into something destined to become an internet meme?" Lauren asks.

"What's an internet meem?" Puck asks.

"Just get in here," Lauren says, tugging him by the collar and plucking Chuck out of his arms as soon as he gets inside. "Oh honey, what did he do to you?"

"I made her a badass!" Puck says. "She's just like me. Chuckzilla!"

"You _shaved_ her," Lauren says.

"Not all the way," Puck insists. "And I didn't do it, the lady at PetSmart did."

"Puck, Pomeranians are not made to have mohawks," Lauren says, patting sadly at the cropped line down Chuck's back. Everything is shaved but the end of her tail and her feet and around her face, but she has an awesome mohawk to rival his. They're set. "What brought this on?"

"Nothing," Puck says, following Lauren up the stairs to her room. Lauren turns in her doorway and raises an eyebrow.

"Tell me the truth, or you don't get to come in," she says.

"It's just... the guys were making fun of me for her name, and then people on the street were laughing at me, and then some guy thought I was gay in the park--"

"Not the park by the truck stop, right?" Lauren says. "I explained to you why that keeps happening, and if you went back there that's your own fault."

"No, the _dog_ park," Puck sighs. "I just thought that maybe if Chuckzilla matched my outward badassery, people would stop giving me flack."

"Come in," Lauren sighs, moving from the doorway so Puck can walk by. He drops Chuck on top of the giant stuffed bear he'd won Lauren at a carnival, and she settles in with a happy yip. Lauren had pretended to _hate_ that bear, even if Puck had spent $40 throwing baseballs at milk cans to win it for her. She told him she threw it away, but the first time she let him in her room he'd spotted it leaning against her wall, right under her Twilight poster. Lauren can't fool him.

"Are we gonna do it?" Puck asks, sitting down on the bed and looking at her hopefully.

"No, we're going to talk about your deep-rooted issues with your own masculinity," Lauren says, and Puck's face falls. "And _then_ we're gonna do it," she adds.

"Yes!" Puck says, going in for a high five. Lauren indulges him, then holds out her arms so he can cuddle up and put his head on her chest. Lauren's boobs are kind of amazing in general.

"But," Lauren says, running her fingers over the stubble where his hair is starting to grow back on the sides, "once we start fooling around, Tinkerbell's going outside."

"It's Chuckzilla now," Puck reminds her. "And come on, she whines when we lock her out, I think it scares her. She's asleep and everything, she won't be any trouble!"

"Puck," Lauren says, sliding her hand up to his mohawk and tugging a little. "Either the dog goes out and we have sex, or she stays in and we don't. Oh my god, are you _thinking_ about this?" Lauren asks after a moment of silence.

"Babe, she really does get scared," he says pleadingly. "And she's so little."

"We are never having sex again," Lauren says resolutely. "Now tell me about how the lack of a traditional male role model has impacted your view of your own masculinity."

-

Puck is feeling vulnerable the next day. He's learned, through his own self-reflection and Lauren telling him so, that it's okay to admit when he's feeling vulnerable. And since it's okay to admit it, it must be okay to scoop Chuckzilla (Lauren's still protesting the name change, but Puck kind of likes the sound of it, now) up and settle her into his bag before school. Puck skips most of his classes anyway and football season is over so things go pretty smoothly. He even convinces Lauren to spend her study period making out with him under the bleachers while Chuckzilla naps in a sunbeam. All in all it's a pretty good day, or at least it is until he gets to Glee.

Mr. Schue's in the middle of explaining this week's assignment and Puck's in the middle of slowly working his hand up the back of Lauren's sweater when Chuckzilla starts to bark from inside his bag.

"Dude, is your bag barking?" Sam asks, turning around in his seat to look at him curiously.

"That's my ringtone," Puck says, staring pointedly at him.

"Wait, now it's moving," Sam says, because he's incapable of grasping even the most obvious hints.

"My phone vibrates really hard, okay, Evans?" Puck hisses. "So why don't you shut your unnaturally large mouth before I shut it for you."

"Dude, you're _really_ intense about your phone," Sam says, turning around with a shrug.

Puck's in the middle of breathing out a sigh of relief when he hears a rustling noise and then suddenly Chuckzilla is free and racing around the room excitedly, yapping and turning in circles.

"Puck, what did you _do_ to her?" Rachel gasps.

"Did you get her wet after midnight and then she made a bunch of other Tinkerbells and one of them had a mohawk like the Germans?" Brittany asks.

"Gremlins, Brit," Santana says. "Not Germans."

"Why is there a dog here?" Mr. Schue asks hesitantly.

"To be _adorable_ , obviously," Mike says as Chuckzilla grabs onto his shoelace and tugs it loose. "You should have seen her before Puck shaved her all weird," Mike says to Tina. "Cutest thing in the world."

" _You're_ the cutest thing in the world," Tina says, as Lauren makes an exaggerated gagging noise.

"Guys," Mr. Schue tries again.

"Hey," Mercedes says, turning to glare at him. "I thought you said there were no fluffy puppies."

"We're not sure it is a puppy," Finn says. "I still think it's a rat."

"I don't care what it is, I just want to know why it's in my classroom," Mr. Schue says. He's starting to sound annoyed.

"Puck was in a very vulnerable emotional state today," Lauren says, putting an arm around Puck's shoulders and pulling him close. "He needed Tinkerbell."

"Babe, it's Chuckzilla now, don't embarrass me," Puck whispers.

"Oh, I think it's too late for that," Quinn says.

"I kind of like the mohawk," Artie says. "Makes her look tough."

"Right?" Puck says excitedly. "Total badass."

"Puck," Mr. Schue tries to interject.

"You know, Puck," Rachel says over him, "some people consider vanity grooming to be a form of animal abuse."

"I would never _abuse_ my dog, Rachel," Puck says. "She likes it."

" _Quiet_!" Mr. Schue yells. Everyone shuts up immediately. It's rare that Mr. Schue actually gets pissed off at them, and Puck really hadn't thought it would be that big of a deal. Chuckzilla's adorable, and it's just Glee. "Puck, take the dog and go. This is still school and this is still a classroom and if you bring it here again, I'm going to be forced to--"

Mr. Schue cuts off suddenly, looking down with a horrified look on his face, and Puck bites back a laugh when follows his gaze and sees Chuckzilla, squatting over his shoe and peeing.

"Puck," Mr. Schue says tightly. "Take the dog and leave. Now."

"Gotcha," Puck says, grabbing his bag and hurrying across the room to scoop Chuckzilla up. If he waits just a second or two for her to finish peeing, well, he's just being a good dad. Besides, Schue's had it coming for a while.

-

"I think she's cold," Puck says later that night when Chuckzilla tries to burrow her way into his hoodie pocket. He's lying with his head in Lauren's lap while they watch America's Next Top Model. Lauren's a Brittani fan, but Puck's secretly rooting for Kasia.

"Of course she is, you shaved most of her fur off and it's still getting into the 30's at night," Lauren says, scooping Chuckzilla up and and cuddling her close.

"Oh man," Puck says, sitting up and staring at Lauren in horror. "Oh crap, was Rachel right? Did I abuse her? I didn't mean to."

"Oh Puckerman," Lauren says, leaning forward and kissing him softly. "You didn't abuse her. You just did something stupid because you were thinking with your ego instead of your brain."

"I didn't mean to," Puck repeats sadly.

"I know," Lauren says, pulling him close and letting him share her chest with Chuckzilla.

-

"Lauren's got wrestling practice," Puck says when Kurt opens his door the next day.

"... Okay?" Kurt says, arching an eyebrow.

"So I need you to help me," Puck says, pushing past Kurt and into the house.

"Do come in, Puck!" Kurt says behind him. "How may I help you?"

Kurt's being sarcastic, but Puck's used to it. He's actually started to miss it a little, now that Kurt's at another school. "I need clothes for Chuckzilla," he says. "She's been getting cold."

"Why on earth would I have dog clothes?" Kurt asks.

"I know you don't _have_ them, dude," Puck says, flopping onto the couch. "I just need you to help me pick them out, because you're all good at clothes and shit and I don't want her to look stupid or anything."

"Of course not," Kurt says dryly as Chuckzilla hops out of Puck's lap and runs over to Kurt, jumping up excitedly and scratching at his legs the way she does when she wants to be picked up. "If I go dog clothes shopping with you, do I have to touch it?" Kurt asks.

"No, you don't have to touch _her_ ," Puck says. Honestly, how can someone not like a puppy, much less a puppy as cute as Chuckzilla?

"Deal, then," Kurt says. "Blaine's got some family thing and I need to return something to the mall anyway."

"The mall?" Puck says. "But PetSmart's all the way across town."

" _PetSmart_?" Kurt says, his distaste evident. "Puck, if we're getting her clothes, we're getting them from Bow Wow Haus."

-

"Dude," Puck says, holding up a pink polka dot sweater. "This costs $60."

"Don't worry, it's hideous, you're not getting that anyway," Kurt says over his shoulder, flipping through a rack of tiny leather jackets.

"How the hell do you even know this place exists if you don't like dogs?" Puck asks.

"I got a rhinestone studded harness from here once. They had it in a purple color that worked great with my black Armani button down," Kurt says, like wearing dog harnesses as clothing makes perfect sense. "Now what are we looking for? Are you still pretending that you can overcompensate for your own masculine shortcomings by dressing your dog up like a boy?"

"I'm not overcompensating," Puck snaps, because that hits a little too close to home. "Puckzilla has no problems in the pants department, okay?"

"Surprising though it may be, not everything is about your dick, Puck," Kurt says. "You need to knock it off. I have no idea how it can be possible, but somehow dating Lauren has made you a more tolerable person."

"It wasn't just Lauren," Puck mumbles. "I got locked in a port-a-potty and I had an epiphany."

"Right," Kurt says. "Whatever. The point is, you're a better person when you're not constantly trying to prove how much of a badass you are. A real badass doesn't care what other people think about him. I mean, look at Blaine, he pulls off the confident alpha-male thing in public, but he's really just a clueless guy who cries at old movies and let me give him a French pedicure last night."

"That's... nice for you guys? I guess?" Puck says, ignoring Kurt's point. "But I don't really want to know about what kind of weird gay sex you're having."

"It means I painted his toenails, Puckerman," Kurt says, rolling his eyes and holding a hoodie up to Chuckzilla before making a face and putting it back on the rack. "Now answer me. Girl dog clothes or boy dog clothes?"

"What do you think?" Puck asks. "Do you think it matters?"

"Are we still talking about clothes?" Kurt asks, and Puck wishes, not for the first time, that Kurt wasn't such a perceptive little motherfucker.

"Maybe," Puck says, shrugging. "Maybe not."

"I think I like you more when you're not throwing people in dumpsters and locking them in port-a-potties to prove how tough you are," Kurt says softly. "I think all of us do, and I think you do too."

-

"Where've you been?" Lauren asks later.

"At the mall with Kurt," Puck says, holding up the shopping bags in his right hand. "I spent like an entire summer's worth of pool cleaning money on unisex dog clothes."

"Unisex, huh?" Lauren asks, already heading for the stairs. "What brought that on?"

"Kurt maybe said some stuff," Puck says, following her into her room and putting the bags down before he sets Chuckzilla on Lauren's teddy bear and crawls onto Lauren's bed, stretching out beside her.

"What kind of stuff?" Lauren asks, petting at his mohawk.

"About how I should stop caring about what people think if I want to be a real badass."

"He's not wrong, you know," Lauren says.

"I _know_ that," Puck sighs. "I just don't know why I got so pissed when the guys were ragging on me about Chuckzilla."

"Because you're still learning how to not be an asshole, you asshole," Lauren says, pushing at his shoulder.

"Man, why does being a better person take so much _work_?" Puck groans, burying his face in Lauren's chest.

"Because," Lauren says, tugging at the back of his shirt until he tips his head up for a kiss, "being a good person gets you rewards."

"Oh," Puck says, grinning at her. "In that case." Lauren rolls her eyes, but she lets him kiss her again, deeper this time, and Puck grins against her mouth and props himself up on his arm so he can kiss at her jaw and down her neck. There's this awesome spot there that makes Lauren let out this deep, shaky moan that's the hottest thing Puck has ever heard in his life.

"I know what you're doing," Lauren says, her voice a little breathless. "You think you're going to get lucky because you're being all sensitive and nice. You should know better by now, Puckerman. I'm not like normal girls."

"I know," Puck says. "You're a badass, just like me. That's what makes us so awesome."

"And _that_ ," Lauren says, grinning at him, "is what's going to get you laid." Puck's just about to go in for a high five when Chuckzilla barks and scrambles at the bedspread, trying to get onto the bed. "Puck," Lauren says with a sigh. "You know the rules."

"Yeah, yeah," Puck grumbles, scooping Chuckzilla up and heading for the hall. "No sex with the dog in the room."

"You understand, right, Chuckzilla?" Puck asks. She barks and licks his face, and Puck sets her down outside of Lauren's door.

"Go wash your face, Puckerman," Lauren says, stripping off her shirt. "I realize the irony in saying this before sleeping with you, but I _do_ have standards."

  



End file.
